What a great blessing it is to be honest with oneself and be transparent and keep checking on your deep thoughts. What a great blessing it is to fear Allah and to be concerned lest you meet Him when you are in a state of despair and thinking of suicide. How beautiful is the courage with which a man confronts himself and strives to find a solution to the problems he faces. So praise Allah, first of all, for these blessings, all of which you have.
We read your letter and read it again, and we found that the only problem you have is what is called social phobia, which may be accompanied by some symptoms of autism. You may find some information that could help you to deal with this problem in the answer to question no. 191725.
But what is good in all that you have mentioned is the fact that you are well aware that you have a problem and you want to solve it, so stop thinking about suicide and do not mention that again even to yourself. Rather what you are suffering from is a psychological problem for which there is a solution – by Allah’s leave – through modern medicine and, before that, through drawing close to Allah and putting your trust in Him, then trusting your own inner strength and ability to change yourself.
The matter is not as difficult as you said in your message. The first step towards recovery is diagnosing the malady, and you have succeeded in putting your finger on it.
From your message, we noticed some good characteristics that you have, but you have overlooked them and only mentioned your faults, if they are even faults in the first place!
The first of these characteristics is your good heart and your love for people, and your positive sensitivity. Undoubtedly there are other good characteristics which you did not mention in your message, but they are definitely there. It is unfair to ignore all these good qualities and focus only on faults.
We advise you to visit a psychiatrist urgently, because there are medicines and there will be a number of sessions with the doctor. So hasten to do that, and realise that there is nothing to be ashamed of or to make you feel embarrassed for disclosing your problems. This is a sickness, like any physical sickness, and it requires you to be frank and open with the doctor, so that he will be able to diagnose you accurately and give you the right treatment and monitor you. A woman who is shy and covers herself will go to a male doctor for gynaecological problems, and speak frankly about them, so how about a man who needs medical treatment? In the meantime, we advise you to do the following.
Set straight your relationship with Allah, by repenting sincerely from everything that you have mentioned in your message about taking drugs and other things.
Pray consistently, keep your wudu’ and consistently recite dhikr. Once you have set straight your relationship with your Lord, He will set straight what is between you and other people.
Strive to regularly read Quran, and focus on reading useful and beneficial books as much as you can.
The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “When Allah, may He be Exalted loves a person, He calls out to Jibril: ‘Indeed Allah, may He be Exalted, loves So and so, so love him.’ Then Jibril loves him, and he calls out to the inhabitants of heaven: ‘Indeed Allah, may He be Exalted, loves So and so, so love him.’ So the inhabitants of heaven love him, and he finds acceptance on earth.” Narrated by al-Bukhari, 3209. So strive to endear yourself to Allah by doing acts of worship, and seek to draw closer to Him by renewing your repentance, purifying yourself of sins, and maintaining your physical purity too. {Indeed, Allah loves those who are constantly repentant and loves those who purify themselves} [Al-Baqarah 2:222]. This will be the cause of Allah, may He be Glorified, loving you and if He loves you, He will cause people to accept you and love you.
Try to convince yourself that you are able to overcome this obstacle and make positive changes, put your trust in Allah, and be firm and sincere in your resolve to change.
Take a pen and a piece of paper, and write down your good qualities and characteristics, and every blessing that Allah has bestowed upon you such as the blessings of sight, mobility, speech and so on. Compare your situation with that of those who lack these blessings, and you will find yourself better off than them.
Your isolation and fear of meeting people has led you to stay away from the mosque, and caused you to neglect your duties towards Allah. What you must do is go back to the house of Allah and pray in congregation, and do not expect or hope that anyone will notice your presence or initiate the greeting of salaam with you.
Rather you should do that yourself: be the first to greet others with salaam, and ask about any of them who is absent; be cheerful when mixing with people and smile at them, so that you may earn their love.
For more advice on this matter, please see the answer to question no. 21865.
According to what you said, you are a student, but you did not mention your specialty, or any hobbies. Our advice is to focus on your studies and try to educate yourself by reading books and educational magazines, because education is the greatest weapon that will give you self-confidence, then you will be able and happy to meet people.
Look for success in doing things that you love and are good at, and check yourself, for you must have some talents and potentials that are untapped because of the psychological troubles you are going through. Seek the help of Allah, then follow some of the advice mentioned in question no. 85362, which speaks of the steps to success and ways of avoiding failure.
Every time you have the opportunity, relax by looking at natural scenes that could raise your spirits in clips on the Internet, and listen to recitation of Quran; or by imagining your new self, with the characteristics that you wish to attain.
If you do not love yourself now, how do you expect people to love you? (That is, if we assume that they do not love you.) Try to love yourself and to accept yourself, and learn how to be content with the blessings that Allah has given you.
Do not think too much about whether people like you or not, or whether they listen to you or not. Rather do your utmost to like them and respect them yourself, and to listen to them. And learn not to talk too much, and to only speak when you have got your thoughts in order in your mind.
Finally, we remind you of how important it is to seek treatment from a psychiatrist, because what you are suffering from is straightforward, in sha Allah, and it is something that many people suffer from but it can be dealt with by medicine and therapy sessions. So put your trust in Allah and resolve to seek treatment.
We ask Allah by His Name ash-Shafi (the Healer) to heal you, and we ask Him by His name al-Wadud (the Loving) to make people love you and to relieve your distress.
And Allah knows best.
